As parents, it can be overwhelming (and frustrating) when our child does something unexpected, disruptive, or even dangerous. Maybe they throw food at dinner, scream in bright rooms, or push someone out of the way when they want a toy. Our natural instinct might be to say “Don’t do that!” But in ABA, we take a different approach.
We believe that behavior is deterministic, which means it happens for a reason. It’s not random. Your child isn’t being “bad” or “difficult” just to test you. They’re trying to communicate, cope, or connect, even if the way they’re doing it doesn’t seem appropriate or makes life harder in the moment.
Behavior Happens for a Reason
In ABA, we talk about the function of behavior, the “why” behind it. Generally, behavior happens to:
- Get something (like attention, a favorite item, or a snack)
- Avoid something (like a demand, noise, or uncomfortable situation)
- Get sensory input (like rocking, spinning, or covering ears)
- Communicate a need or want (especially when verbal communication is limited)
Once we understand what a behavior is doing for the child, we can begin to teach them a safer, clearer, more appropriate way to meet that same need.
You Can’t Just Tell Someone to “Stop”
Imagine if someone took away your only way to ask for help, but didn’t replace it with anything. That’s what it feels like when we just say “Stop hitting” or “No more yelling” without offering a new way to get the same result.
Let’s look at a few examples to make this real.
Example 1: Food Refusal
Let’s say your child swipes a sandwich off the table. You bring them a taco instead, and they eat it happily. You might feel like you solved the problem, but from a behavioral perspective, your child just learned:
“If I knock food off the table, I get something better.”
That behavior worked for them. It had a function. So, it’s likely to happen again.
Instead, we figure out why they’re rejecting the sandwich. Is it a texture issue? A strong preference? Once we know, we teach them a more appropriate replacement behavior, like saying “different food,” handing you a PECS card, or pushing away the plate and pointing to what they want.
Example 2: Sensory Sensitivity
Another child covers their ears and screams when the light is too bright. The behavior might seem extreme, but it has a clear purpose: to escape discomfort.
Rather than trying to stop the screaming, we work on teaching a better way to communicate that need. That might be:
- Pointing to the light
- Handing you a card that says “light off”
- Saying “too bright” if they have the words for it
The replacement behavior should match the child’s abilities, and it needs to work. If pointing to the light consistently leads to it being turned off or dimmed, the child starts to use that instead of screaming.
The Bottom Line
Behavior is communication. Even when it’s loud, messy, or confusing, it’s telling us something. When we understand the function, we can respond with compassion and effectiveness, not just correction.
Here’s what you can try at home:
- Pause and ask: What might my child be trying to get or avoid right now?
- Think about how they could express that same need in a safer or simpler way
- Offer that option consistently so they see that it works
If your child is working with a BCBA, we’re doing this detective work behind the scenes. But you can be part of it too. When we understand the “why,” we can teach the “how.”
And over time, that leads to fewer meltdowns, more connection, and better days ahead.